I took a nap as soon as I got home yesterday, then woke up at 6:45 and went straight to the church for FnC. After a good night’s sleep (probably 12 a.m. to 7 a.m.), I feel significantly better, even though it’s rainy today and I forgot my umbrella at the church last night.
I discovered Scatman John recently and have been a bit obsessed… though it’s really only this song that I like. I’m thinking about playing it at the wedding (during one of the band’s breaks… did I mention that we’re going to have a live band?). Think other people would dance to it? I would, though I don’t think April’s really into this type of music…
I’ve been wondering lately how normal people write. That is to say, a couple of years ago, I was writing all the time. I always had something to say, and I was more creative, and I felt compelled to get everything out, everything down. Now, I’m happy and content, and I feel absolutely no motivation to write. Not the way I used to, anyways. I once read that the best poetry is written after the fact, when one can look back without the over-burdensome emotions of the moment and reflect on a time or event calmly. Part of the issue, I suppose, is that I just don’t have much time to write, but most of it is that I don’t feel inspired.
When I do have something I might write about, I’d rather talk with someone. That’s another aspect to the dilemma: Anything I might write about, I end up talking over with April. I bounce ideas off her and explore myself through conversation, rather than writing and introspection.
I’m going to close here. Read on for my latest entry on the FnC blog, which relates how my relationship with God is changing into something familiar and yet unfamiliar at the same time.
For over 9 months now, I’ve been attempting to come to terms. My relationship with God is fundamentally changing, and I’m not quite certain what that means. When I quiet myself and listen, He is still there. When I pray, I know that He is listening. When I read the Bible, He comforts and teaches me. When I am in need, He provides; when I am mourning, He comforts; and when I am filled with joy, it is to Him that my praises rise. Despite all this, things are not as they once were.
I had assumed that this was my fault. That I was slacking in my devotion because I had gotten comfortable and life had become easy. And to some extent, I think there is an element of that. I have a good job, and a loving fiancé, and great friends, so I haven’t been praying like I should, nor reading the Bible, nor seeking God as diligently or often as I should. For several weeks now, I have been working to remedy this, and my prayer time has been blessed. Yet things are not as they once were…
What I’m beginning to realize is that they’re not going to be. The truth of the matter is that I embarked on a radically different path 9 months ago when I proposed to April, and the nature of my relationship with God must change likewise. It is not necessarily lesser, but it is different. The lessons I learn now are different than what I might have learned as a single man. The ways in which I must grow are in line with becoming a good husband. My relationship with God reflects this.
I have to learn to become a husband chasing after God, which is apparently drastically different from a bachelor chasing after God. Truth be told, it’s a little scary; April and I were talking about wedding stuff the other day, and I said that I just didn’t know what to do because I’ve never gotten married before. It seems silly, but it’s rare that I am in an area where I have no prior experience. It feels like it has been years since God has asked me to radically change, challenging me to become something else, something better. It feels like I was on a single track going up (because we’re all trying to improve, right?), but now I’ve been jolted over to a parallel track with a different course and no map.
Of course, there is a map. There are people I can talk with and there’s the Bible. But it’s a map I haven’t looked at much. I don’t understand it as well. It’s not yet familiar to me. It’s exciting and a little scary… but maybe that’s how life with God is supposed to be.