Finding my focus

My relationship with God has changed significantly over the last six years, swinging from the infant-like faith of a new convert all the way to the jaded cynic who feels used and abused by God and wonders if it’s still worth it, then back again. I wasn’t raised in the church, so when I became Christian, I had no idea how to pray. I would ask God for advice, help, instruction, or guidance, then let the Bible fall open to what page He willed and read. God often taught me this way, but as I grew in faith and in knowledge of Him, I stopped using this method and, later down the line, discovered it had stopped working. As my relationship with God changed, so too did our means of communication.

My prayer life back then was so rich, though. For those of you who are unaware, prior to becoming Christian I was heavily involved in witchcraft. Leaving the religious aspects aside, as they are largely irrelevant to the craft, I was one of the most powerful in the world, and magic was my life. Being tied to and able to sense all living things around me, to control the weather, to summon and banish demons as I willed, to send my mind traveling across the globe… the power and feeling of connectedness was remarkable. I had few other vices at the time due to this; neither alcohol nor sex have ever had a hold over me because they paled in comparison to the ecstasy that was my magic.

All of this, I gave up when I became Christian… only to find, with time, that a relationship with God was greater still. The depths of peace I found in full relationship with Him was more fulfilling and amazing than any power I held prior to conversion. That seems to have faded as I have matured, however. I have, at times, claimed that this lessening of contact is due to necessary changes in our relationship, where God has stopped holding my hand through everything and required I begin to think for myself, rather than being directly told every step along the way what I must do, and I still believe that to be the case. But I think there is something more going on.

I miss those close bonds we once shared, and last week I began to wonder about that time and whether it, or something like it, could be reclaimed in my life today. Much of what I do is me-focused, or April-focused, and I think some of that is necessary and part of God’s intent and plan. But I don’t talk with Him like I used to, or read His Word as much as I should, or experience Him as deeply as I once did. Surely such is not reserved only for the new converts.

As I prayed last night, I felt the depths of His presence as God reaffirmed for me what I have known and observed repeatedly over the years. God has not withdrawn from me, and that relationship is still available. He is still near. I simply turn my head, looking elsewhere or inward, rather than to Him. I want to commit to learning more about our relationship and how that works now that I am older, different, and in particular, married. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I need to return to the basics of which I can be sure. I must pray and talk with Him more regularly, and I must look for His messages in the Bible.

Whether this will translate to more religious writing or not, I do not know, but I can’t worry about or focus on that now. I need to worry about living with God first; the rest will follow naturally.

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