Consider this an introduction.
April is well aware that I have a ton of ideas, a ton of “projects” slated for work, and so many books I want to write that I don’t know where to begin. I’m going to write SciFi in November, I had planned to write a book on the Ten Commandments this summer, I plan to start my autobiography and write on marriage and develop a fantasy fiction world for a series I’d like to write. I swing back and forth between fiction and non-fiction, and somewhere in there, I want to write an anthology of poetry with April, preferably before this Christmas.
But over the last several days, I have been reading more theology, and trying to reconnect with God on a level I haven’t been experiencing for some time… and the outcome has been a general sense of dread and worry. I look at movements I see in Christianity and they concern me, from the conservative Church I attend and the general disengagedness of most of the congregation to ministries that lack age and wisdom and, in many ways, get locked into circular thought patterns because they lack the experience they need to break out and find the truth.
And I know, I know, that I should do something about it. I should write and speak and address the problems I see, but I don’t want to. I want to go to my safe job and write my safe fantasy fiction and have dinner and watch movies with my wife and go to bed. The amount of work and frustration required to address the issues is staggering; I know, because I started trying to address them three years ago, and stopped due to burnout.
But is that what God is calling me to? I look at kids holding the hands of other kids and “ministering” to them, trying to bring them into a light they don’t really understand or see. I see a church flailing around, uncertain of how to address the problems it is encountering in the world, and people on both sides of the divide: one buying in to the rhetoric, the other arguing vehemently against it but producing no solution of their own. It seems like the resolve is to either embrace the failing past or withdraw completely, neither of which seems satisfactory to me.
I don’t know where this yearning will lead me. Like I said, I’ve come up with so many projects I want to work on, and I have so very little time in which to work on any of them. But as I try to prioritize and sort everything I want to do, I have to ask myself, how does this fit into the larger story of my life? Of this world? How can I best serve God with my time? He has given me so much, it would be sacreligious to ignore my duty to him, but I also don’t feel like I know yet what he would have me do.
That is what I must seek, because without his strong guidance and support, I will be useless. But right this moment, the truth is simple: I cannot watch the blind lead the blind without reaching out to help. And if I did not reach out, I would fail my Lord yet again.