Just a work in progress

I’ve been tinkering with this poem for a while, but this is the first I’ve put much to paper. Below is an insight to poetic progression, a work in progress. As I write, I play with words and line breaks and regularly scrap an entire idea. This is by no means done, and the final product very well might not look like any of these.

Progression

I like it when it rains in November,
when it’s dreary and the fallen leaves stain
the sidewalk. Eyes smiling at each other,
we’re trying to match strides, and I’m afraid
I’ll miss you. Trying to kiss in mid step,
my head wobbles a bit before we touch,
lips laughing and our noses are scrunched like
a Disney picture that


You said,
I like it when it rains in November,
when it’s dreary and the leaves stain
the sidewalk. The sky’s cloudy, I
don’t have to squint; I love
you.

Walking
in stride is a game, and you walk straight
into me because your eyes aren’t on your feet
this once; our hands grasp tighter, having sex,
but no one notices. We
skip.


I like it when it rains in November,
you said, when it’s dreary and the leaves stain
the sidewalk. Eyes smiling wide, we kiss in mid step,
and my head shakes a bit before we touch,
afraid I’ll miss but unwilling to slow. We laugh,
noses scrunched from impact and you exhale,
growling as dragon’s breath envelopes me. Our hands
have sex with everyone watching. They can’t have us.


Rain in November
Stained sidewalks leading us home
Grasping hands tightly

You smile, eyes laughing
Growling as dragon’s breath curls
From your lips near mine.

Can I get some feedback?

I haven’t written a poem in over a year… maybe a year and a half. But I have the option of doing either a story (15 pages) or a poem (no length or form requirements) for my Life Stages in Literature class and I, of course, chose a poem. It’s my forté, more so than fiction anyway.

Since I put this off until today and the poem is due by 5 p.m., I was wondering if anyone out in cyber-land wouldn’t mind giving me some feedback of what they thought, maybe their interpretation, what did or did not work, or just whatever. Any feedback at all is fine, I just want to bounce this off someone before I turn it in.

Sorry Best Friend

Tracing ellipticals around a fractured star
That sought a spotlight for its shine; we skipped from
Eight wheels to four, wooden slats bound tightly so our
Skates could glide while we held hands, and the roaring hum
Of sixteen-hundred revolts against inertia
Rattled our smiles. Eyes wide as we spun ecliptics
Inside the bleachers where he sat, eyes dark and shunned,
Hopeless anger flaring like a too-bent matchstick.
“He’s such a loser,” you complained, and I was shy,
So we laughed at his disease, like a secret shared
Between two friends who had escaped a forest fire
They chose to not prevent. I asked “Should you be there?”
But you, his girl, just smiled and clasped me to your chest;
Fell laughing to the floor, my head upon your breast.

Edit:: How embarrassing… I published this as a sonnet and it was only 13 lines long! I can’t believe I did that… fixed now.