I was supposed to meet some local church leaders for breakfast this morning, only to discover about 5 minutes after our scheduled start time that they had rescheduled via Facebook last night. And since I had been dreaming of Gailey’s French Toast for several days, I decided to stay and catch up on reading blogs and enjoy the morning before diving into work.
I live and die by my calendar, and yesterday I looked at this weekend and discovered that I have just a few hours free on Saturday during which I can rest and relax. The semester has started out pretty well, but I’m busier than ever.
What is interesting is that all of these things I’m doing are very supportive of one another. That is to say, what I’m learning in my classes is helping me at work and at church; the work I’m doing at my job is giving me practice for church and school; my vision for my ministry will fuel my school and work. I feel like I’m on a rising tide, and it’s lifting all the ships.
I’ve lost the blogging buzz. My promotion brought with it both an increase in activities as well as increased focus on finishing everything. I want to wrap up this year and seal it away in the archive so I can move on with my life.
The antagonism of the last few weeks is waning, and yesterday was the best I’ve had in a while. I think part of the problem was a sense of being out of control through the start of the semester, with people moving away, people leaving work, new classes (and wrong classes and hard classes); just generally being too busy to live like I had been the previous months. My schedule was shifting, and it threw me.
I’m getting a handle on things, and I think it’s going to be alright. Yesterday was good. I hope today is too.
Just a quick note to say I’m still alive, just not writing much. My work schedule has been kind of intense the last couple of weeks, and will only get worse through the end of the semester. I expect a return to normalcy sometime around June. Until then, if I get more than one thing written a week, I’ll be pretty happy.
For tonight (the last hour I have before bed), I’m going to play some League of Legends, then crash. Today’s 11 hours at work passed pleasantly and I feel good about it, but there’s no getting around the fact that it was 11 hours.
I consider it a failing to reach the point of exhaustion. To be stretched to my limits to the extent that I can accomplish no more than I am currently accomplishing means that I am too limited, too weak, and simply not good enough. If I were better, I could accomplish more in the same amount of time, in less time even. I should be able to manage everything.
There are a variety of reasons why I cannot accomplish everything, though. And at this point, I have reached my limit. I think about work just about all the time. It’s on my mind as I’m falling asleep, and I wake from my dreams with lists of what I need to do the next day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is of what needs to be done at 8 a.m., then at 8:10 a.m., and every five to ten minutes thereafter. Lists and schedules and reprioritizations, plates spinning with colored balls bouncing between them. I’ve got to keep it all going all the time.
I half work through lunch everyday, keeping myself accessible to student workers and assisting when necessary. I have random people stopping by my office all day long to talk, needing to know what’s going on or what they ought to be doing. That’s fine because it’s part of my job, but I’ve got a lot of parts that have added up to something greater than the whole. Or, at least, greater than what the whole seems like it ought to be.
Maybe it’s temporary, this overload. Of course, I’ve been thinking that for a while now, that once this project ends (whatever the project may be) everything will lighten up. There’s always another project, though. Right now, I’m banking on June or July. Who knows, maybe things will go back to “normal.”
For now, though, I’m kind of going out of my mind. Forty hours isn’t enough, when it comes right down to it, but the projects I’d like to give up are ones other people can’t do that well, and the projects other people could do are the ones I’d rather keep. Bit of a stickey wicket, huh?
I’ll keep on keeping on, and maybe I’ll feel better next week. I said that last week and really thought it–my schedule was totally clear this week. Now I’ll be lucky to get 2/3 of everything done that needs to be done.
Going for a walk. Maybe I’ll be able to actually write about something I want to write about when I get home.
Post-walk Update:: There’s a line from SLC Punk that comes to mind when I think about the work I do, especially compared to some others.
“I don’t know who started it and I don’t give a fuck. The one thing I do know is that we did it harder, we did it faster, and we definitely did it with more love, baby. You can’t take that away from us.”
– Stevo, SLC Punk
I don’t know that “love” is there. Right now, there’s mostly just bitterness and frustration. But there’s a certain amount of pride as well, and for now, that will have to suffice.
I work harder, I work faster, and I do it with more… whatever. That’s got to be worth something.
On the way home this afternoon I decided that the best thing I can do right now is make more lists while I’m at work. Really flesh out my todo, set reasonable deadlines, record more in our work management system, and take more notes. I need to start letting my computer do more of the scheduling thinking for me so my brain can do more of the analyzing and creative thinking. Maybe I’ll work on that… Thursday or Friday, because for the next few mornings I have some training lined up.
Whatever happens, I’ve got to change something. Either I’ve got to get better, or something’s got to give. I can control the former, so I’ll work on that. In a couple of months, maybe things will be lighter and it won’t be such an issue.
I wouldn’t call what I’ve been in a “slump.” I’ve had ideas, and they’d be good things to write down; old projects have new life and new projects come to mind on a regular basis. What I don’t have is time, energy, or desire. I’m busy a lot of the time, and when I’m not busy, I’m tired. Even when I could potentially work after resting, I just don’t feel like pushing myself so hard that I burn out.
This is why I wanted to drop out. I just don’t have the energy to write much during the semester. I don’t understand why those two nights of classes wipe me out like they do, but between my job (which requires a great deal of extroversion when I’m an introvert, and subsequently drains me emotionally and mentally) and three 12-15 hour days in each five day work week (two of class, one of D&D which, being social activity, still requires extroversion as well as mental work since I run the game), I’m just gone by the weekend. So I don’t write, and I don’t bother to record videos, and I haven’t done a podcast in I-don’t-know-how-long.
I did have a cool realization last week, though. For the last year I’ve had an ongoing worry that I’m nothing but a how-to writer. The most popular stuff on this site is all related to how to get something to work on Linux or how to make a Mac application work right. Most of the articles and particularly the stories I put time into draw little traffic. That is, until a few weeks ago when I invested half a day (after four weeks of cogitating about it) into writing that piece about Christianity and poverty. It’s moved up to #7 on the site in a short period of time, which is pretty cool. Put some work into writing something I find interesting and other people might be interested in it too.
It’s ridiculous, I know–this should be common sense–but I’ve had nagging doubts for a while if it was all worth it. Or, to put it another way, “Is the premise of this site even feasible?” When my number one article in the last two years is how to install a game on Linux, banged out in about ten minutes, compared to other stuff I spent hours on… well, it makes me wonder. It doesn’t help that I haven’t liked most of what I’ve written in the last month or so, including this blog entry.
But they say that the only way to get back into writing after a dry spell is to start doing it. Ignore the crap and get the words out. If I keep at it, hopefully pure, quality work will start to flow again. Unless, of course, the dam of exhaustion is insurmountable. Then I guess I’m just screwed for the rest of this semester.