Messiah Complex

Until just a few short years ago, there was one thing I looked for in a potential relationship above all others. I wanted to protect, to serve, to teach and help. Consequently, I was generally attracted to women who had some sort of mental or emotional problem, someone I perceived as needing my help. I wanted a girl I could work on, improve, and who needed me.

I don’t know where that overwhelming desire to be needed came from, really. I suspect it arose out of a desire for control; there was so much in my life I couldn’t control, so I wanted something I could. If I could date a girl and improve her life in some way, then I was having a positive affect. I was controlling something for good.

The problem with dating girls who have problems, however, is that they have problems and those problems create problems for you. None of my relationships were steady, reliable, or even all that positive. I was always finding somewhat-crazy girls who hurt me terribly in ironical fashions.

It really is ironic. I’d seek out an unstable girl, expect her to stick around because… I’m awesome? I guess. And then she’d leave (shock) and I’d be hurt. So I’d find another girl who “needed me,” though they never asked me to help or fix them, and repeat the cycle.

The truth was that I didn’t need to fix them; I needed to fix myself. But while I was seeking out people I could “help,” I could put off looking at the mess that was my life.

You have to find yourself before you can find someone else. And you can’t fix a person; they have to want to fix themselves, and they have to work on it. You can support and help, maybe, if they ask and are willing to accept it… but it can’t be forced on them.

I cannot save you. I can’t even save myself.

Mr. Fix-it Handyman

Mornings are the best time for me to write. This is clearly something I’m going to have to get over, since I only have two mornings free a week, but on those two mornings (Saturday and Sunday, in case you hadn’t caught that) I like to indulge myself. I make coffee and sit down to write for a few hours in blissful joy.

Except it hasn’t been happening lately. It seems like there’s always something that needs doing, and then I spend all morning doing it and don’t get any writing done. Yesterday, the sink/garbage disposal was backed up, and I spent two hours messing with it before getting it fixed. At that point, I wanted to take a break because I hadn’t had breakfast, we were having lunch with April’s parents in a couple of hours, and after that Emily was going to come over with her wonderful truck Stanley to cart all our recyclables to the recycling center.

I got the sink fixed, but no writing was done yesterday at all. We did finish watching Season 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer last night, though.

Filled with good intentions, I got up this morning (about an hour and a half before April) to write, only to discover that my website isn’t working correctly. It’s a bug I’ve encountered before where, following an upgrade to the latest version of WordPress, I can log into my main blog but not any sub-blogs (Poetry, Stormsworn, Newlyweds, etc.). Since I specifically wanted to write on the Newlyweds blog, I had to fix this.

An hour and a half later, I’ve rolled back the upgrade and gotten it working, but now it’s time to make breakfast and get ready for church. No writing accomplished. After church, we need to go grocery shopping, followed immediately by a meeting at Borders for NaNoWriMo, which will be followed immediately by D&D.

A whole weekend with no writing. It’s a good thing I didn’t organize any sort of “creativity session,” as I wouldn’t have had time to participate. It’s been a full, good weekend, but I’m sad about the lack of time to write.

I have a ton of reading to do for Buddhism (ack! test tomorrow night!!), I need to catch up on philosophy lectures, I’m trying to stay committed to my workout routine, and there just isn’t enough time. Maybe I’ll cancel on D&D tonight…

At least everything is fixed and working again. Until next time.