With a new blog, you have to have a first post. Years from now, you’ll forget what that first post was, but people will dive all the way back to the beginning of your archive to see where you began. With that in mind, I’ve decided to write about my process for starting this new project of Meta-Manage.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
From a young age, we are trained to always be looking to the next thing. What does it look like to be happy, to be successful, to be grown up, or to be ready for life? The next milestone is always the place where we assume things will be better: graduate high school, or graduate college, or get that particular job, or get married, or have kids, or buy a house, or buy a car, or get a certain amount of money, or pay off debt, or publish a book, or retire…
There’s always something we’re working towards. Something that, when achieved, will let us finally relax and feel done, at least for a while. We are working towards victory.
And as many of us know, victory never comes. There is always another milestone. The feeling of relief and euphoria and elation fades. The world continues to spin and we have to keep moving.
For weeks now I have been getting steadily more depressed. Between the constant pain, my inability to write at length, and my continual focus on my continual failure, I was falling further and further away from God. I felt like there was a barrier between me and him, and my life had become one of waking, going to work, coming home, watching anime, and sleeping. I ate, I read, and I did my best to just make it through.
That is not the sort of life I want to lead.
One night recently I decided to go to bed early and pray. I needed help and I needed freedom, for I felt chained down and constricted. I could no longer hear God’s voice, and my steps had faltered and fallen still.
God, I want to do what you want me to, but I can’t hear you. I feel like something is blocking me, something is preventing me from reaching you, and I’m not strong enough to break through on my own. I need you to reach through and tear this apart God, to come and find me.
I wanted God to fix me, but I felt like this was something he wanted me to do myself. I couldn’t hear him directly, but the sense I received was that he had already given me the strength I needed.
I tried to bring discernment to bear to figure out what was wrong with me, but I could see nothing but darkness. Recalling a vision from God in the past, I tried to draw the light of the Holy Spirit from her temple in my heart, but I made no headway.
I had once seen my spiritual heart as being covered in diseased sin, but that sin separated and held apart from my healed heart by a flaming sword, that is by God. I tried to draw that flame out to cut through the cloying darkness that weighed me down, but I couldn’t. I felt no response.
Then I remembered the day I entered into God’s salvation. While praying at that church, with several elders from the church praying over me, I begged Jesus to let me know he was there. That he had accepted me. That I was forgiven. Over and over, Jesus, let me know you’re here. Jesus, let me know you’re here. Jesus, let me know you’re here… and then he spoke.
I am here.
On the day of my salvation, I felt a mighty wave wash over me, like a deep blue ocean sweeping through my soul, and all the darkness, sin, failure, and weakness was cleaned from my being. I thought back to that day and pictured water rushing from God’s temple, that is my heart, and washing away the darkness, bursting the bonds that held me and lifting my body away from sin.
The pain was such that my back arched involuntarily, for the darkness had been both confining and protective. My nerves had deadened and scarred, and this wave exposed them to air and light once again. Even as it was pushed away, that heavy sin struggled to settle back, but I felt God’s encouragement. Pushing unrelenting, it was rinsed away, yet I felt it continue to seep out of a spot near my navel in a manner I hadn’t experienced before.
I reached two conclusions. First, that this cocoon that had come to envelop my spirit was not entirely the result of my own doldrums, but had been helped along by minions of Satan, and it was partly them I had to fight. Second, however, I realized that this darkness would return if I fell back to inactivity, and it highlighted the importance of daily prayer, immersion in the Word, and pressing into God.
The area of the navel represents birth, for it is the scar that was once connected to an umbilical cord, and the inheritance of humanity which is sin. Daily confession and prayer will wash the wound clean, but it must be a regular discipline. While we may have been saved by God, we will fall into sin if we do not press into him, and the darkness that consumes us will prevent us from living the life to which he has called us.
I forced the water down into my navel, cleaning out my detestable spirit, and welcomed God in anew. I could once again hear his voice, feel his presence, and we spoke affably. Despite my sins, he remained my father, and we were reunited with joy. He had never left, always remaining near, but I could not see or hear him. Now all was right.
I asked him to stay until I fell asleep, and he assured me that he would be there even while I slept. This is a lesson I must remember, that our natural inclinations towards sin will ruin us if we are not alert and active. Daily prayer will help wash us clean and keep us healthy, without which we will fall into lethargy and depression.
I have closed my old blogs and redesigned my website. My online presence is starting over, but I carry with me the lessons of the last four and a half years of blogging. Now that my internship at First & Calvary is coming to an end, I’m going to have a lot more time for writing, and so I intend to pick up where I left off two years ago. In addition to this blog, I have four others covering different topics, all crossposting to LiveJournal and Xanga equivalents, all integrated together.
From the About page:
SilverPen Pub is an amalgam of several ideas. There were five main topics on which I desired to write, but if I were to dump that all into a single blog, no one would bother to keep up with it. Secure in this knowledge, I opted to install WordPress-MU and grant each idea its own blog. Organizing the ideas in this manner allows people to subscribe to the information they want and not be bothered by what they don’t.
The dream behind this blog is to do what so many webcomic artists have and give away my content. Part of it is a simple curiosity whether the same can be done with writing that others do with art, but I also need an outlet. I have so many ideas and things I want to write, but motivation is hard to come by when I am putting words on a page that nobody will see. Taking those words out of a notebook and putting them into a blog grants me that motivation.
Lastly, I desire to establish and/or join a community of online writers, people with the same ideas or desires as myself, and my hope is that we can enrich and encourage each other through open sharing and collaboration on our work. I am sure that such a community exists in this wide, diverse world wide web of ours, I simply haven’t found it yet.